The Healing Process

I read back over older journal entries from the past year and I am so encouraged to see that I am not in that dark place anymore.  I really came to the brink.  I was faced with choosing to live or choosing to die.  I chose to live!  Healing is a long and very slow process.  Learning to listen to myself and my own instincts is a difficult task.  For so long I had a person who acted as my compass.  He told me when I was right and when I was wrong, his approval meant everything to me and his disappointment or anger towards me could tear my soul to pieces.  Now I am learning to rely on my own voice.  It is an arduous task to trust yourself and to not expect someone to come along and help you.  I struggle daily to remind myself that I am not a victim and that this is a gift not a punishment.  I work diligently to trust that the universe has a grander plan for me than I can possibly have for myself.  My job is to move forward everyday with love and forgiveness.  Forgiving myself is challenging enough and someday I will work to release the anger and forgive those who have harmed me.  For now, I am working to take care of me first and others second.  This is a new way of doing things for me as I have always been a woman who put her husband and kids first.  I believed that if they were happy then I was a good person and was doing a exceptional job.  What I am discovering is that I am only responsible for my happiness and my happiness is up to me only!

The She That Used To Be Me

Today I was going over some of the entries in my journal and thought that I would share some of them.  It is important for me to see where I was and where I am now.  Healing is a long slow process.
This entry was written in May 2015:

I am not a great mom, or a great friend.  I am not good to myself or others.  I no longer am looking for opportunities to help others, or be a role model or teach.  My words and stories fall on deaf ears.  When I talk, people talk over me or just walk away.  I have become invisible.  "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine" now just a sad song, a long forgotten memory of someone that was.  I miss her.  Does anyone besides me even notice she is gone.  Do they believe she will come back.  She is lost forever.  She has parished.  She is no longer.  Her memory faded quickly.  The mark she left had very little staying power, like a footprint in the sand, it was quickly swallowed up leaving no trace behind. If you walked behind her, you would now not know that she had ever been here.  I believed she was different and made a lasting difference.  I thought that she touched and changed lives.  Maybe I was wrong about that too.  I had so much to give, I have nothing now and no desire to share the nothing that has become me.  Even my misery I hoard selfishly.  I felt guilty but now I feel nothing.  I spare others from having to be infected by what I have grown into.  I am weeds and thorns.  I don't want to hurt you but I must keep you at a distance in order to protect you.  It is safer this way.  It is better.  How do I live like this?  This isn't living.  I stopped living.  Time is precious and I squander it away knowing that should my soul even awaken again, the guilt will overcome me.  So much time wasted, but for now I am laid to waste.  Everyone will go on, grow and thrive despite me.  I don't feel sorry for myself, I no longer bath in the cold depths of self pity.  I am no ones victim.  I am a particle, small and lonely, blown by the wind, going wherever it takes me.  I expect nothing so I am not disappointed.  My expectations do not linger any longer.  I don't hold you to a higher standard anymore, you are released, you are free from my judgements.

IT IS TIME FOR ME TO TELL THE TRUTH....

Oh the stories we tell!  Tell ourselves and tell others.  Oh how they change and grow and adapt to meet our current needs.  I am thankful to have friends who dare to sometimes call me out and remind me that the story I am telling does not sound anything like the story that it used to be.  A couple of weeks ago,  I wrote a blog post about my life and current situation.  A friend messaged me to compliment my writing but also to question my perspective.  Why, she asked, was I sounding like a victim of circumstance when the truth is that I had wanted things this way.

Suddenly I had to ask myself, was I choosing to play the victim so that others would feel sorry for me, or so that I would not have to accept any responsibility for the way things are?  If I were to take my power back and accept that I wished for, instigated, and perpetuated the situation, then where would that leave me?  If I am not the victim, then who am I?  No one would feel sorry for me anymore, but I would also be unable to feel sorry for myself any longer too. If all of this is true, then I am responsible for my misery and unhappiness.  She reminded me that I may be miserable now, but the truth is, I was miserable back then.  This is just a different misery, but this misery has the ability to change and the other didn't!

I have to be honest, first with myself, then with others. I have to rewrite this story....

The truth?  

I was so unhappy in my marriage and had been for a very long time.  The lies, the deceit and the manipulation had been there since before we had ever walked down the aisle and continued on ever after.  Nothing had really been right between us for over 7 years, ever since his last affair.  At that time we had been married for 12 years.  It wasn't his first, or even his second.  He said that they were all just "emotional affairs" and that nothing physical had ever happened with any of them.  But once again, I took him back and we agreed to work to put our marriage back together.  In marriage counseling, our therapist asked me during a session, "What is it you want from your husband?" I said, "I want someone who loves me unconditionally, doesn't keep secrets and doesn't lie, I want someone who I am enough for, someone who will love me as much as I love them." I will never forget what he said next, "but he has never been that for you."  And he was right!

In that moment I fully realized that I had been living in a dream, or really, a nightmare of my own making.  I wanted him to be someone that he had shown me time and time again that he was not.  Even he knew it.  Maybe he wanted to be that man.  Maybe sometimes he was for a little while.  But when you try to be something that you are not, for the sake of someone else, the result is depression and misery.  And hence, we were both miserable and I continued to bury the truth and ignored the facts.  I chose to be blind.  I have to take responsibility for that now!  Had I left then, perhaps I could had saved us both from a lot of years of sadness.

Almost 3 years ago, this same friend that questioned me recently about my story perspective, had approached me and told me that whatever was going on in my life to make me so unhappy needed to change right away.  I cried, I knew what it was and I knew that she was right.  I got in my car and called my husband.  I told him that we were headed down a bad road and that if we didn't change things we were headed for a crash. I stated that I was no longer willing to be the only one to put in the effort for our relationship anymore.  I said that I was going to give it 6 months and then re-evaluate the situation.  The date was February 13th 2012.  A year later to the day,  Feb 13, 2014, we were sitting in another marriage counselors office.  Suddenly I was hearing the same words that he had said 7 years earlier, "I am not sure that I want to be married anymore."  (Months later I would find out that he had started the affair again with that same girl from 7 years earlier).  About a month after that, we got in a fight and I told him that he had to leave.   And he did.

Why do I choose to forget that part?  

He did what should have been done.  He knew it and I knew it.  We had had enough.  We could have tried but he was no longer willing to try to be the man I wanted and needed him to be and I was no longer willing to believe that he could be.  He had always said that he loved me so much and that if he ever felt that I would be happier without him, he would be willing to walk out of my life, and he did.  

Maybe the time has come for me to accept all of this.  Time to stop blaming him and instead say thank you to him, for being willing to do what I was unwilling and unable to do myself.

But am I truly ready? 

It is a huge step to take......

My Divorce: Do You Know What It's Like?

It's been 6 months since he moved out, 2 weeks since the divorce papers were filed.  19 years of marriage over.

Do you know what it's like?

* To not be able to leave your house because every time you run into someone you know out in public and they ask you "how you are doing", you start to cry.

* To not be able to call your friends anymore because it feels like throwing up on them over and over again with the same woes after months and months.  The guilt of not be able to be there for them in any capacity whatsoever.

* To wonder everyday, when did the affair begin and why didn't you see it.  To wonder how long he planned on walking out of the marriage and know that it had been for quite a while.

* To wonder who will want to hire you after you have been at home with your kids for almost 20 years.  To dread getting a job making minimum wage that will make you miserable and make you miss time with your kids.  The guilt of knowing that daycare is in their future.

* To wonder if he will actually pay you the child support and spousal support every month.  To know that you are now seen as a burden to him.

* To realize that he is moving in with "her" next month and she is going to become a part of your kids lives.  To wonder if they will decide to have kids together.  To feel so much hatred for "her" that you pray you don't run into somewhere because you are afraid what you would do.

* To wonder if you will ever trust or love again.  To know that you are so far away from even being able to date because you don't know who you are and haven't even learned to love yourself yet.

* To see life everyday as a huge mountain you must climb, when all you want to do is stay in bed.  To not want to die but not want to live either.

* To want someone to come along and save you but know that you have to save yourself!

* To realize how dependent you had become on your husband for almost everything.  To not know who you are if you are not a wife anymore.

* To not be able to answer your kids questions about why daddy left, when you don't know why either.  The guilt when your kids hug you while you cry when you are supposed to be the strong one.

* To wonder over and over again if there is anything that you could have done differently.

* To be so lonely that you feel dead and empty inside.  To feel like you are missing your other half.

* To grab for the phone several times throughout the day to call him or text him about something because for a moment you forget that he is gone.  

* To have to catch yourself to not hug or say "I love you" when you see him because you are so conditioned to do it after 20 years together.  To look at the person who was your life and your best friend and not recognize them anymore.  To feel so much hurt and anger at the person you used to love, but be forced to get along with them for the sake of the kids.

* To think about his family and friends accepting her into their lives.  To realize that blood really is thicker than water, no matter how many years you were a part of his family.

* To hear about them doing things and going places that you and he had planned to do.

*To lose your faith and optimism and your smile that you were so well known for.  To want to believe that this is for the best, that there is something better ahead, that you will come out stronger like everyone says you will, but.......you just don't.

After Divorce: Dreaming of Finding Love Again Someday

I play out the scenarios in my head at least once a day.  The day I will be somewhere and meet a man quite by chance.  That moment will be like being struck by lightening.  His smile and his energy will feel like being electrocuted (but gently, in a good way).  He will feel it too and it will be obvious.  He will say hi, and I will smile shyly.  We will chat a little both of us feeling that there is something going on here that we can not describe.  Our conversation will end and we will walk away from each other but then he will come up from behind me and say, "Can I get your number and take you out sometime?"  He won't waste anytime, he doesn't like to play games, he will call me within a couple of hours.  We will talk on the phone effortlessly for hours. We will laugh.  He will be witty, intelligent and funny.  We have so much in common.  He is an amazing listener and is fascinated by me.  I am like water to a man who is dying of dehydration, the more he has, the better he feels.  We make a date to meet for dinner in just 2 days time because neither of us can wait.  We meet at the restaurant.  He is a true gentleman, opening doors for me and pulling out my chair.  He is social and charming and charismatic.  He is tall and good looking and people notice him when he walks into a room.  The waitress is charmed by him and smiles at me as if to say, "what a wonderful couple".  She will ask us at the end of the night, how long we have been married.  We will tell her we just met, and this is our first date.  She can't believe it.  She knows that one day we will be back here celebrating this life changing night.  Dinner lasts for hours as the conversation flows so easily.  We both laugh a lot and it feels so good.  He makes me feel like I am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen.  He is intrigued by me.  We leave and grab some coffee then go sit outside somewhere because neither one of us wants this night or this feeling to ever end.  It has been so long since either one of us has felt this alive and this happy.  I never feel judged or insecure.  I don't have to do anything other than be myself.  We find ourselves telling our deepest secrets to each other.

Suddenly the future seems so bright.  I know I have met my destiny.  Suddenly all the pain of my past makes sense.  Everything I have survived has brought me to this point, to this man.  He will never lie to me, never hurt me, never keep secrets.  He will never cheat on me or even be tempted to.  I fulfill him in every way and everyday he can not believe how lucky he is.  He is so romantic.  He spoils me all the time.  He will always be my best friend, always support me.  He will never be unkind and never let anyone hurt me.  We will travel.  We will help each other achieve our dreams.  We will create bucket lists and work on checking off everything on them together.  Most of all we will laugh and love each other and our lives together.  He will love my kids as though they are his own and they will love him.  My kids love will the man that makes their mom so happy.

He is the true love of my life!

My Son Has No Eyes!

It was during an ultrasound that I heard the terrifying words,  "I think that your baby's right eye didn't develop."

About a month later at my next appointment, his concerns were confirmed.  Now it was my decision they said as to whether or not to continue with the pregnancy.  The next couple of weeks were filled with tests and intensive ultrasounds where every bone was measured to track growth of my baby.  The fear was that the pregnancy was going wrong and the baby wasn't developing.  I had already made up my mind, no matter what I was keeping my baby.  Other people in my life though didn't always feel the same way that I did.  I had a man at my husbands work come up to me a few days later and say, "It is not fair for you to even consider keeping that baby.  He is deformed and his whole life will be difficult.  You need to abort and then you can try again."  This unfortunately was not the only time that someone felt it necessary to share their "opinion" with me.

I did research on the internet about what difficulties my child would have to deal with, only having one eye.  I was determined to help him live a normal life and not be limited.  I looked forward to the day when those people who didn't think that my son deserved to be here, would eat their words.  

When he was born he looked perfect.  He always looked like he just had one eye closed.  His left eye was a gorgeous shade of blue.  He was a happy baby and seemed curious and smart.  But something began nagging at me.  "I don't think that he is looking at me" I would say to my husband and friends.  "Oh you are being ridiculous" they would tell me.  At about 3 months, we went in for a doctor's appointment at the Jules Stein Eye Institute.  It was time to check on the micro right eye and see if it would require any attention.  The news at the end of the long appointment hit us like a mac truck.  Our son was totally blind and had been since birth.  His optic nerves had never developed.  He had never seen anything and never would.  The diagnosis:  Bilateral Microphthalmia.  The rest of that time was like moving through vaseline, hazy and thick.

We wanted answers, what had happened?  I blamed myself and my husband did the same.  We saw a genetisist who ran test and told us she had no answers for us.  Another genetisist at Childrens Hospital L.A.  said the words that changed my life, "Stop looking for reasons and answers.  Stop blaming yourself, it won't do you or your son any good.  Accept what is and move on.  Treat him normal and he will be normal.  Raise him with the same love and expectations that you have for your daughter."  I was free.

Now it was time to get down to work, parenting.  I was given the number for a mom who had a child who was blind, so I gave her a call for some advice and encouragement.  What I got though was a smack of my reality to come.  As she methodically listed off the doctor appointment, IEP's, therapies, O&M, braille lessons, and challenges, I sat in my chair with my head screaming, "I can't do this!"  I hung up the phone hating that mother.  How dare she say those things to me.  Today I realize that although her delivery left a lot to be desired, she was preparing me for my future and all it would indeed entail.  

At only 6 months old, Josh had his very first surgery on his right eye socket, followed by another at about 12 months old.  At 18 months old, Josh became very agitated and cranky and suddenly began to bang his head against walls and the floor.  I called a friend who insisted that I take him to Children's Hospital right away.  A few days later at Children's Hospital I met with their Ocular Oncologist who informed me that Josh had severe glaucoma in his left eye.  The eye would have to be surgically removed right away.  I was shattered.  That eye to me had been the only tiny window I had into my son's soul.  I could read his emotions and thoughts by looking into that eye.  If they took that away, I would have nothing, no way to read him anymore.  In some ways it was even more devastating to me than anything else had been up to this point.  My husband and I were inconsolable, the pain running so deep that we couldn't even be together while waiting during his surgery.  But it was during Josh's stay at Children's Hospital that we had our major epiphany and the healing would begin.  While eating breakfast the next morning inside the McDonald's located inside Children's Hospital, we witnessed so many children with so many different diseases and ailments and disabilities.  There joy and laughter were overwhelming.  As we looked around at the parents of these children we realized that many of these children may not ever make it out of the hospital or lead very long lives.  We looked at each other and realized how lucky we truly were.  I thought to myself, "this is nothing, I can do this."  Suddenly I thought what if we stop saying "why me?" or "why him?"  What if this is actually a gift and our job is to get that.  

Josh's recovery was slow and the toll on him emotionally would set back much of the progress we had made with his occupational therapist.  He stopped eating, stopped talking and his joyous easygoing personality seemed to have been marred.  It was a long slow recovery time for all of us.  The next step after he recovered physically was to continue the process of getting his prosthetic eyes.  Up to this point Josh had a spacer in his right eye, which was a clear plastic piece with a tiny handle sticking out.  This made for some tough times.  Once at a neighbors party, a child walked up to Josh, looked at him and yelled out, "AWWW! MONSTER!"  The kid ran to his mom who was standing about 20 feet from me.  As the child cried to his mom and pointed, I tried to get her attention and smile and wave her over to me.  I thought that perhaps I could turn this negative event into a learning moment for this woman and her child.  The woman looked at me and Josh, turned to her son and said "stay away from him."  I couldn't believe it. 

There are not many books out there for parents of blind children.  Information and answers are like searching for diamonds, very limited, time consuming and difficult.  The first step was getting Josh services through our school district.  This was basically a once a week mommy and me class for parents of special needs children.  I found the whole experience terrifying.  All around me were parents of children with mental and/or physical disabilities, none of them blind though.  All I witnessed were shell shocked parents like myself, trying desperately to find answers and get help but coming away ultimately feeling more alone than ever.  

I began working with a specialist from an organization that works with the blind and visually impaired.  Although she was able to answer some questions and point me in the direction of more resources, her main message to me seemed to be that no matter what I did, I would never get the proper resources Josh would require from our school district.  She encouraged me to hire someone to help me with our IFSP (Individualized Family Service Plan) and hire an attorney after that if needed.  None of this did anything to help my feeling of being stressed or overwhelmed.  I was feeling pressure to get myself prepared for a war against an invisible enemy that I hadn't even met yet.  It didn't take too long for me to realize that the only way to win was to get these people to know and care about Josh.  If they met him, they would fall in love with him, and be compelled to help.  And it worked!  So during every meeting from that day forward, I have brought Josh into our meetings either at the beginning or at the end. He says hello to everyone, gives hugs, and offers any input or asks any questions he wants to.   It helps to remind everyone that this is a person not a case file.  

Fast forward a few years.  Josh is 6, in kindergarten and attending our neighborhood elementary school in a regular classroom.  The kids love him and he makes friends easily.  He has been taking braille lessons after school for the last 2 years and is already a proficient reader.  The teacher loves him and he has a wonderful aide.  It is during this time that I go grocery shopping with Josh one day.  Josh is begging me to get him some AAA batteries but when I go to get them, I see that they are out.  I tell him and he says, "Well show me."  I put his had on the empty space where the battery packages would normally be hanging.  Josh says, "No, where is the braille mommy."  I reply, "Josh there is no braille in the grocery store."  "Why not?!  How am I supposed to shop then?  Mommy, make them put braille up so I can shop too."  I laugh.  I am perplexed.  Of everything I have tried to plan for, I never thought about my son grocery shopping.  As always, I jump on the internet for answers but what I see disturbs me greatly.  I tell Josh that when he is older and goes shopping he will have to ask someone who works there to take him around and help him pick out his items.  He doesn't like this answer one bit and frankly either do I.  The next time I am in our local grocery store I talk to the manager ask him if he would be willing to let me put up a few clear braille labels on the shelves for Josh's favorite items, i.e. popcorn, waffles and cookies, so that he can have the experience of shopping when he comes to the store with me.  He likes the idea and says that he will call me later that day.  But the phone call is disappointing when they tell us no.  My husband is furious and goes to the grocery store (same store different location) across the street from his work.  The manager at this location is thrilled to help us out and agrees to let us put up as many labels as we want to.  My husband tells his friend who is a local newscaster and she gets the approval to film it as a segment for the evening news.    A week later we film a segment about it and it airs.  The response is amazing.  I decide to write a letter to another local grocery store and ask them if we could do the same thing in their store.  But then my husband goes into the first store and they rudely inform him that all of the braille labels have been taken down and will not be allowed back up per the corporate office.  We are devastated and Josh cries and keeps asking "why?.  A few days later the store I had written to calls me back and is not only willing to let us put up a few labels, they want to braille the entire store!  She calls it The Joshua Project.  The newscaster comes back out and does another story to follow up and it is during this day that one of my husbands friends who is there says to us, "you need to turn this into a non profit and I will give you the money to get it started.  My lawyer will call you to get you started."  

Four years later, The Joshua Project Foundation is a 501(c)3 with 7 amazing board members.  We have put braille into 7 stores in locations including Canada, Boston, Westlake Village, Tarzana and Santa Barbara. We have just had our 2nd annual Fundraiser at the famous Palm Restaurant in Los Angeles,  where 75 people ate a 4 course 5 star meal, in the dark, while blindfolded.  Our work has gone beyond braille labels.  We have developed braille aisle markers, braille maps and even a talking braille scanner.  Josh's dream is "to braille the world and Target too!"

Josh is the greatest gift.  He teaches everyone valuable life lessons.  When people see him or hear about him and so "awww", I laugh and say, don't spend one second feeling sorry for him, he is a superhero.  He has super powers we all can only wish we had.  You spend one day with him and you will know, that you are the one who is "disabled".

The Million Dollar Question; Why?

Someone at my work asked me a question today.  

She asked me if I had asked my soon to be ex-husband why he left.  No, I answered.  She looked at me funny but she could tell from my tone that she shouldn't go any further with her inquiries.

Why?  It is certainly a legitimate question.  
Why did he leave after 19 years of marriage?  
Why did he move out but swear to us that he was coming back?  
Why had he always promised me that divorce was not an option?  
Why did he get a girlfriend right away who he is already moving in with?

Yet, I know that I will never get answers to these questions, and would it matter?  Would it begin to heal my broken heart?  It has been six months now since he left and I don't have many answers only more questions.  
Does he ever regret his decision?  
How long had he been thinking about leaving?  
How long had he been seeing "her"?  I
s he actually considering having kids now with her since she is 23 years younger than him?

Let's be honest though!  The real "Why?" questions should be:

Why do I miss someone who made me miserable and treated me badly for years?  
Why am I unable to believe that I will have a bright and happy future and be able to love again and be loved in a way I had always wanted?  
Why am I unable to see that this is probably the greatest gift the universe could have given to me?

But for now I will continue my grieving and growing process......