The Healing Process

I read back over older journal entries from the past year and I am so encouraged to see that I am not in that dark place anymore.  I really came to the brink.  I was faced with choosing to live or choosing to die.  I chose to live!  Healing is a long and very slow process.  Learning to listen to myself and my own instincts is a difficult task.  For so long I had a person who acted as my compass.  He told me when I was right and when I was wrong, his approval meant everything to me and his disappointment or anger towards me could tear my soul to pieces.  Now I am learning to rely on my own voice.  It is an arduous task to trust yourself and to not expect someone to come along and help you.  I struggle daily to remind myself that I am not a victim and that this is a gift not a punishment.  I work diligently to trust that the universe has a grander plan for me than I can possibly have for myself.  My job is to move forward everyday with love and forgiveness.  Forgiving myself is challenging enough and someday I will work to release the anger and forgive those who have harmed me.  For now, I am working to take care of me first and others second.  This is a new way of doing things for me as I have always been a woman who put her husband and kids first.  I believed that if they were happy then I was a good person and was doing a exceptional job.  What I am discovering is that I am only responsible for my happiness and my happiness is up to me only!