As my divorce papers are about to be filed these are just some of the things which I have lost so far:
1. My husband and best friend - the person who knew me best in the world. The person who I shared everything with. The person who at one time was my biggest fan. The person who at times believed in me more than I believed in myself. The person I knew best in the world. The person who (I thought) shared everything with me. The person to whom I was the biggest fan. The person I believed more in than he believed in himself. The man who used to tell me that I was half the man he was.
2. His family - I didn't have any family when I met him and we got married. The family that I was so apart of for 20 years now feels gone. I feel like I've lost a father in law, mother in law, sister in law, aunts, uncles and cousins, people I thought would always be in my life. Years of baby showers, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, funerals and holidays..... Blood is thicker than water.
3. My identity as a wife - The ring is gone (long story) I am not a "wife" anymore. I can't say "my husband..." anymore. When I go into a store I find myself thinking "oh he would like that" or "he said he needs one of those" and then the realization hits. He is not mine to take care of anymore. He is not someone I need to buy things for any longer. I am "single", a word I have always despised.
4. My children's sense of security and who they are - My kids grew up hearing "your mommy and daddy will never get a divorce, you will never have to worry about that because that is not an option." We tried to give them a sense of security and instead it turns out that we lied to them. My children's personalities are changing. They are not the same people that they were 4 months ago.
5. Possessions - The things that belonged to us are now being distributed. He doesn't really want anything much so far. The pain also comes in all of the things that he doesn't want. He doesn't want photos, old cards, no wedding china or photos either. The things that are left here, I now don't even want.
6. Friends - "Our" friends have chosen sides. His friends don't talk to me anymore. Some friends just don't want to be involved so they have distanced themselves from both of us. Some friends have had advice that I didn't want to follow, so they have walked away. Some friends don't like the way I am handling things. My depression is lasting too long for them I guess and they just don't want to hear me anymore.
7. Trust - When you can't trust the person you were married to and you can't trust your own instincts it is a confusing time. When people come out of nowhere to tell you the things that they knew long ago but didn't tell you, it makes you question everything and everyone.
8. The future as you had imagined it - All those plans for future vacations, future purchases, retirement plans. Imagining the two of you together standing over the crib as you look in at our first grandchild one day, all of these things are now gone.
9. A love of romance and love - I no longer enjoy hearing love songs, romantic movies or even seeing people holding hands. I want to scream, "don't do it!" I cringe when I hear someone talking about a wedding or anniversary.
10. A daily father to my children - There is no longer the good cop to my bad cop or vice versa. There is no one there to vent to or ask advice from or get feedback from. All decisions are now mine and mine alone right or wrong. All my decisions are now scrutinized and criticized instead.
11. Any desire to look back and remember the past - Now I just wonder how far back he was wanting to leave.
