As my divorce papers are about to be filed these are just some of the things which I have lost so far:
1. My husband and best friend - the person who knew me best in the world. The person who I shared everything with. The person who at one time was my biggest fan. The person who at times believed in me more than I believed in myself. The person I knew best in the world. The person who (I thought) shared everything with me. The person to whom I was the biggest fan. The person I believed more in than he believed in himself. The man who used to tell me that I was half the man he was.
2. His family - I didn't have any family when I met him and we got married. The family that I was so apart of for 20 years now feels gone. I feel like I've lost a father in law, mother in law, sister in law, aunts, uncles and cousins, people I thought would always be in my life. Years of baby showers, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, funerals and holidays..... Blood is thicker than water.
3. My identity as a wife - The ring is gone (long story) I am not a "wife" anymore. I can't say "my husband..." anymore. When I go into a store I find myself thinking "oh he would like that" or "he said he needs one of those" and then the realization hits. He is not mine to take care of anymore. He is not someone I need to buy things for any longer. I am "single", a word I have always despised.
4. My children's sense of security and who they are - My kids grew up hearing "your mommy and daddy will never get a divorce, you will never have to worry about that because that is not an option." We tried to give them a sense of security and instead it turns out that we lied to them. My children's personalities are changing. They are not the same people that they were 4 months ago.
5. Possessions - The things that belonged to us are now being distributed. He doesn't really want anything much so far. The pain also comes in all of the things that he doesn't want. He doesn't want photos, old cards, no wedding china or photos either. The things that are left here, I now don't even want.
6. Friends - "Our" friends have chosen sides. His friends don't talk to me anymore. Some friends just don't want to be involved so they have distanced themselves from both of us. Some friends have had advice that I didn't want to follow, so they have walked away. Some friends don't like the way I am handling things. My depression is lasting too long for them I guess and they just don't want to hear me anymore.
7. Trust - When you can't trust the person you were married to and you can't trust your own instincts it is a confusing time. When people come out of nowhere to tell you the things that they knew long ago but didn't tell you, it makes you question everything and everyone.
8. The future as you had imagined it - All those plans for future vacations, future purchases, retirement plans. Imagining the two of you together standing over the crib as you look in at our first grandchild one day, all of these things are now gone.
9. A love of romance and love - I no longer enjoy hearing love songs, romantic movies or even seeing people holding hands. I want to scream, "don't do it!" I cringe when I hear someone talking about a wedding or anniversary.
10. A daily father to my children - There is no longer the good cop to my bad cop or vice versa. There is no one there to vent to or ask advice from or get feedback from. All decisions are now mine and mine alone right or wrong. All my decisions are now scrutinized and criticized instead.
11. Any desire to look back and remember the past - Now I just wonder how far back he was wanting to leave.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Things a Person Going Through A Divorce Does Not Want to Hear!
What I do not want to hear right now while starting my divorce:
1. "I never liked him much anyways" - Really? And now you tell me?
2. "He's treated you badly for years" - Unless you have been telling me this throughout my marriage, now is not the time to bring this one up.
3. "Start going to the gym" - Seriously? It takes everything I have just to get out of bed everyday. The last thing I can think about, is getting in shape and finally getting that awesome body I have wanted for years.
4. "Every time you see him, look your best" - So it's not enough for me to have to get out of bed everyday, now I have to look great too? It a huge accomplishment if I get myself to shower and brush my teeth.
5. "Just take care of yourself" - Well, I eat, I sleep, I work, I see my therapist, so isn't that taking care of myself? Yes, I would love to go to a spa right now and really take care of myself, but since that isn't going to happen...
6. "Act like it doesn't bother you"- So when I see the man that I have loved for 20 years now, I am supposed to act like it doesn't bother me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore? Well although I graduated from The American Academy of Dramatic Arts, I am just not that good of an actress sorry!
7. "Don't file, just wait him out" - How long??? Sorry but I have a 17 year old daughter so I have to think about the advice I would give to her in this situation! Role model.....
8. "So is there another woman?" - Would he really admit it if there was? And whether or not there is, do I really want to think about that? And don't give me that look like, "you know there must be another woman right, so don't kid yourself."
9. "He is going to screw you over in the divorce" - I don't want to hear how bad your divorce was and I don't want to hear all the ways he can "screw me over". This is the most awful time, do I need to be scared too?
10. "If I had known how difficult divorce was going to be on me and my children, I would have stayed in my lousy divorce" - Well that statement sure makes me feel optimistic and hopeful about my future!
11. "He's having a mid life crisis" - ok does it matter why or what we call it? The bottom line remains the same.....
12. "There are no decent single men out there" - I don't want to hear how long you have been single. I don't want to hear about all your awful dating experiences or how you haven't been able to find any nice single guys. If you are miserable and bitter, please keep it to yourself right now.
13. "Don't focus on him, just focus on yourself" - This is kind of like telling someone who has been a siamese twin for 20 years, after being surgically separated suddenly, not to think about the other person. It sounds like simple advice but I want to punch people who say it to me!
1. "I never liked him much anyways" - Really? And now you tell me?
2. "He's treated you badly for years" - Unless you have been telling me this throughout my marriage, now is not the time to bring this one up.
3. "Start going to the gym" - Seriously? It takes everything I have just to get out of bed everyday. The last thing I can think about, is getting in shape and finally getting that awesome body I have wanted for years.
4. "Every time you see him, look your best" - So it's not enough for me to have to get out of bed everyday, now I have to look great too? It a huge accomplishment if I get myself to shower and brush my teeth.
5. "Just take care of yourself" - Well, I eat, I sleep, I work, I see my therapist, so isn't that taking care of myself? Yes, I would love to go to a spa right now and really take care of myself, but since that isn't going to happen...
6. "Act like it doesn't bother you"- So when I see the man that I have loved for 20 years now, I am supposed to act like it doesn't bother me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore? Well although I graduated from The American Academy of Dramatic Arts, I am just not that good of an actress sorry!
7. "Don't file, just wait him out" - How long??? Sorry but I have a 17 year old daughter so I have to think about the advice I would give to her in this situation! Role model.....
8. "So is there another woman?" - Would he really admit it if there was? And whether or not there is, do I really want to think about that? And don't give me that look like, "you know there must be another woman right, so don't kid yourself."
9. "He is going to screw you over in the divorce" - I don't want to hear how bad your divorce was and I don't want to hear all the ways he can "screw me over". This is the most awful time, do I need to be scared too?
10. "If I had known how difficult divorce was going to be on me and my children, I would have stayed in my lousy divorce" - Well that statement sure makes me feel optimistic and hopeful about my future!
11. "He's having a mid life crisis" - ok does it matter why or what we call it? The bottom line remains the same.....
12. "There are no decent single men out there" - I don't want to hear how long you have been single. I don't want to hear about all your awful dating experiences or how you haven't been able to find any nice single guys. If you are miserable and bitter, please keep it to yourself right now.
13. "Don't focus on him, just focus on yourself" - This is kind of like telling someone who has been a siamese twin for 20 years, after being surgically separated suddenly, not to think about the other person. It sounds like simple advice but I want to punch people who say it to me!
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