My Divorce: Do You Know What It's Like?

It's been 6 months since he moved out, 2 weeks since the divorce papers were filed.  19 years of marriage over.

Do you know what it's like?

* To not be able to leave your house because every time you run into someone you know out in public and they ask you "how you are doing", you start to cry.

* To not be able to call your friends anymore because it feels like throwing up on them over and over again with the same woes after months and months.  The guilt of not be able to be there for them in any capacity whatsoever.

* To wonder everyday, when did the affair begin and why didn't you see it.  To wonder how long he planned on walking out of the marriage and know that it had been for quite a while.

* To wonder who will want to hire you after you have been at home with your kids for almost 20 years.  To dread getting a job making minimum wage that will make you miserable and make you miss time with your kids.  The guilt of knowing that daycare is in their future.

* To wonder if he will actually pay you the child support and spousal support every month.  To know that you are now seen as a burden to him.

* To realize that he is moving in with "her" next month and she is going to become a part of your kids lives.  To wonder if they will decide to have kids together.  To feel so much hatred for "her" that you pray you don't run into somewhere because you are afraid what you would do.

* To wonder if you will ever trust or love again.  To know that you are so far away from even being able to date because you don't know who you are and haven't even learned to love yourself yet.

* To see life everyday as a huge mountain you must climb, when all you want to do is stay in bed.  To not want to die but not want to live either.

* To want someone to come along and save you but know that you have to save yourself!

* To realize how dependent you had become on your husband for almost everything.  To not know who you are if you are not a wife anymore.

* To not be able to answer your kids questions about why daddy left, when you don't know why either.  The guilt when your kids hug you while you cry when you are supposed to be the strong one.

* To wonder over and over again if there is anything that you could have done differently.

* To be so lonely that you feel dead and empty inside.  To feel like you are missing your other half.

* To grab for the phone several times throughout the day to call him or text him about something because for a moment you forget that he is gone.  

* To have to catch yourself to not hug or say "I love you" when you see him because you are so conditioned to do it after 20 years together.  To look at the person who was your life and your best friend and not recognize them anymore.  To feel so much hurt and anger at the person you used to love, but be forced to get along with them for the sake of the kids.

* To think about his family and friends accepting her into their lives.  To realize that blood really is thicker than water, no matter how many years you were a part of his family.

* To hear about them doing things and going places that you and he had planned to do.

*To lose your faith and optimism and your smile that you were so well known for.  To want to believe that this is for the best, that there is something better ahead, that you will come out stronger like everyone says you will, but.......you just don't.