Today I was going over some of the entries in my journal and thought that I would share some of them. It is important for me to see where I was and where I am now. Healing is a long slow process.
This entry was written in May 2015:
I am not a great mom, or a great friend. I am not good to myself or others. I no longer am looking for opportunities to help others, or be a role model or teach. My words and stories fall on deaf ears. When I talk, people talk over me or just walk away. I have become invisible. "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine" now just a sad song, a long forgotten memory of someone that was. I miss her. Does anyone besides me even notice she is gone. Do they believe she will come back. She is lost forever. She has parished. She is no longer. Her memory faded quickly. The mark she left had very little staying power, like a footprint in the sand, it was quickly swallowed up leaving no trace behind. If you walked behind her, you would now not know that she had ever been here. I believed she was different and made a lasting difference. I thought that she touched and changed lives. Maybe I was wrong about that too. I had so much to give, I have nothing now and no desire to share the nothing that has become me. Even my misery I hoard selfishly. I felt guilty but now I feel nothing. I spare others from having to be infected by what I have grown into. I am weeds and thorns. I don't want to hurt you but I must keep you at a distance in order to protect you. It is safer this way. It is better. How do I live like this? This isn't living. I stopped living. Time is precious and I squander it away knowing that should my soul even awaken again, the guilt will overcome me. So much time wasted, but for now I am laid to waste. Everyone will go on, grow and thrive despite me. I don't feel sorry for myself, I no longer bath in the cold depths of self pity. I am no ones victim. I am a particle, small and lonely, blown by the wind, going wherever it takes me. I expect nothing so I am not disappointed. My expectations do not linger any longer. I don't hold you to a higher standard anymore, you are released, you are free from my judgements.
Wow that hits a place in my heart long locked away. I left the Military with a chest full of medals and a fire burning inside of me. I was going to leave my mark. I was going to help people, teach people to be able to defend themselves from the evil in this world. It was going well free training to all women kids close to free. The guys with money were happy to pay me enough to keep me living well. Then one night I went against all the training and teachings. I lost my temper and put a man in a wheelchair and another in a coma. I don't think I ever will recover from what I did. I kept everybody at a distance like you so not to infect them. The people lives I touched were shell shocked at the news. They looked at me as I looked at myself a monster with anger boiling inside of me. I lost myself for so long and went so far as to start abusing substances. I walked in a fog of guilt, regrets and depression. That guy that was sensitive, caring and always there for his friends and family had disappeared. Replacing him was a empty vessel filled with nothing but dreams of yesterday's achievements. I cleaned up and tried to get that person everybody looked up to back, and like you he was gone dust in the wind. I've been on a long journey to find out who I am now and I'm still looking.
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WOW Jack! Thank you so much for sharing that. It takes a lot of courage and heart to admit to all of that. We are not what we have done, we are what we do now. We teach others from our mistakes. Everyday you live your life now is an amends. Do not waste time blaming yourself for the past. You are amazing and you should be so proud of the man that you have become. Your parents are looking down very proudly.
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